you know those moments, as a mom (or dad!) when you think to yourself "why did i do this? i can not do this. what the HELL was i thinking?!??!" ???? imagine having those thoughts everyday. sometimes even every hour. day after day. & you know the guilt that goes along with those nasty little thoughts? imagine having that guilt everyday. & sometimes every hour. day after day. that's MY reality. this particular blog piece has been MONTHS in the making because every time i sit down to write it, i feel guilty or ashamed that this is ME & do i really want the whole world to know it? yesterday a somewhat distant cousin who is now becoming a very good friend told me "i know it's hard to share that but if it helps one person, then it was worth it.". so here goes, i guess....
when my twins were babies, for the first year of their lives, i was rock star mom. i seriously felt like i could do anything, go anywhere... these babies of mine didn't stop me from doing much! i remember my grandma commenting how busy & strong i was for lugging the 2 infant seats around everywhere we went! but everything changed when i miscarried on the 4th of july in 2007. everything. i was never the same after that & i remember my baby girl, only 14 months old, climbing up on my lap & patting me on the back because i couldn't stop crying after gary left for work. it happened all the time between my miscarriage & that day in october. i did not want to ever be alone & i could not handle myself when he would leave for work. it was at this point i admitted i needed help. i went to the dr & he put me on antidepressants, although reminding me it wasn't "really" post-partum depression because i hadn't actually given birth. cause, you know, i'd forgotten about that whole miscarriage thing.
anyway, i started feeling better with the medication, got back to work & things were trucking along just fine. i weaned myself off the medication & was good for 6 months or so. that's the funny thing about medication for depression, anxiety, any of those conditions.... they make you feel better, so you think you can do without them. until one day you can't. you realize you've been an entirely different person for the last 2 weeks & everyone is walking around on egg shells for fear of setting off a fit of rage, tears or both. my depression has always kind of shown itself in anger. i get SO angry about the smallest things & i lash out. then i feel AWFUL about it & want to do nothing but lay in bed & cry. it has happened over & over & over during the last 6 years. i've been on medication consistently for 2 years now & i think i've finally realized that it's just part of who i am now. apparently i "need" this to cope with my reality.
when timmy was diagnosed with adhd earlier this year, a lot of my depression & anxiety reared its head with a force i hadn't seen before. all of a sudden, there was a label, & while that's good on one hand, it's not on the other. it means there have been days when i want to medicate me AND timmy just to make it thru. there really isn't a day that goes by that one of us doesn't cry. it's heartbreaking & exhausting. i would do ANYTHING to help this kid out but i have no freaking clue how. & that leads me back to the guilt of "why aren't i good enough?" & "why can't i handle this better?". one thing i told my dear friend yesterday was that God made me this way. i struggle with my faith in God everyday it seems because everyone likes to say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle"... if that's true, then why can't i handle this better?? but i try to remind myself that God made me this crazy in the head, can't let up on myself just a little bit, karen must be perfect in every aspect of her life person.
so that's my story. it's my reality. it's humiliating a little bit. but it's also a little humbling. because if i can get just one person to recognize that they need help, that they're not alone (as cheesy as that sounds), that it's ok if their kid isn't like everyone else's or that God just made you the way you are no matter how jacked up you feel, then it's good enough. & who knows?! maybe i'll feel a little better for putting my heart on my sleeve for all the world to see!
xoxo
